Autistic Hedgehog

I actually had a very similar experience with my psychologist a year or so ago. He liked to talk about how I was “hardly autistic at all anymore” and, when I talked about things like being overstimulated by a crowd, he would insist that all people experience such things.

It frustrated me so much. I know he thought he was saying something positive, but for me, he was dismissing the realities of my life. He was dismissing all the hard work I’d done and the bullying and ableism I’d suffered to seem “hardly autistic at all anymore” when they’re so relevant to who I am. He was dismissing the pain—real physical pain—I feel from the presence and noise of large crowds of people and the panic I feel when I have to get on a crowded bus. He was dismissing the sense of hyperawareness I developed from those years of bullying and ableism, that makes me freak out when I trip in public, that makes me assume a crowd of people laughing nearby is laughing at me, that terrifies me when I get something on my shirt because I’m positive that people will notice and think I’m a slob.

It sounds like this neurologist evoked similar feelings in you, and you do have a reason to be upset. No matter how “high-functioning” you might appear, that will never erase the problems you had and do have.

But when she talked to you like that, I’m guessing it made you feel like she was erasing and dismissing those things. To people like neurologists and psychologists it might seem like being called “normal” is a reassuring thing, but it’s very easy to hear as “There’s nothing wrong with you, so what are you even complaining about?” It’s easy to feel like someone is telling you that you should be fine and perfect and any troubles you have are overreactions. That would make anyone feel uneasy and insulted. 

There’s no such thing as pointless whining over ableism, and in the end, that’s what it was, regardless of her intentions. 

I don’t see why not. Like you said, it’s a repetitive hand motion that relaxes you and keeps your mind off the stimuli around you. Okay, unlike many stims you could potentially make some profit off it on Etsy, but I don’t think that really disqualifies it. If it works for you, it works. 

Not really. Because you’re autistic, it’s pathologized and a lot of people will think it’s weird. But they’re hypocrites, because they wouldn’t bat an eyelash if an allistic person, say, confessed that they didn’t leave their room or shower for days while they were working on their thesis. It’s one of those things that potentially anyone could do, but it’s only seen as a sign of something wrong in people like autistics.

Do try to remember to eat and get some sleep, though. I know it’s not always easy when one’s distracted by something they enjoy, but I’d hate to see anyone wind up sick.

(Please don’t ask me how someone who has as little maternal instinct as I do ended up such a freakin’ motherhen, because I really don’t know.) 

That last one sounds about right.

“Mild” autism, like “high-functioning” autism is an expression of ignorance and at times straight up hatred. It’s an allistic classification of us based on what they assume we’re capable of, and has nothing to do with the realities we face in our day-to-day lives. And sadly, it’s used against us by many of our so-called “allies,” by people like Autism Moms (*gag*) and just assholes who want to dismiss us. 

Some people may come across more high-functioning in your average social situation, but have other struggles. Some may function fairly highly across the board. Some may be able to make their own phone calls but be pretty much unable to speak to someone face-to-face. We’re all different, and we all have our areas where we’re strong, areas where we’re weak, and areas where we succeed sometimes but not all times. “Mild autism” is a completely meaningless term.

It may be that some of these people are trying to compliment you (I don’t know the exact circumstances you’re hearing this in). But even so, that’s patronizing, ignorant and offensive. And worse, these distinctions have been divisive for autistics in general. It pits us against each other, both by encouraging some of us to believe that we’re better than others, and by telling us we should shut up because we don’t have it as bad as others. No matter someone’s intentions, using the term “mild autism” is just wrong.

tl;dr version: If someone uses the term “mild autism,” this can be translated as “I don’t actually know the first thing about how autism really works.” 

Thank you. :) I try. Sometimes the questions I get are so hard and it takes me forever to figure out how to answer, because I don’t want to say something that will offend anyone. And I’m not always sure I’m really qualified to be answering things at all, but I don’t want to leave people hanging, either. 

myself formally tested to get a diagnosis. I can cope with things and the things I can’t cope with, I don’t see how it would make any difference to my life to be diagnosed even though I’m pretty sure I am autistic. So, would it be wrong to consider myself autistic without a diagnosis and without any desire to be diagnosed? Sorry for the length of this.

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You’d hardly be the first person to suspect they’re autistic but not want a diagnosis. For some it’s not a very helpful thing to have, and can even be detrimental. If you don’t see a situation in which you’d need it, that’s fine. 

The only really important part is making sure you’ve done good research first. It’s good to know as much as you can—some disorders will have overlapping symptoms, and you may find something else you relate to more, possibly even something you would like to have diagnosed. But there’s nothing wrong with considering yourself autistic without an official diagnosis. 

Bluntness can easily be associated with things like assertiveness. Some people just can’t handle dating someone who has a spine, sadly. 

We all have those days. Every last one of us, even those of us who are otherwise secure and comfortable with who we are.

It’s hard not to, when society constantly tells us that everything about us is wrong. Consider: Anyone could have broken that bin. Absolutely anyone. It’s the sort of thing that could happen to any person, on any day of the week, anywhere else on the planet. But being autistic, a lot of time people blow our mistakes way out of proportion—and that includes ourselves. We’re so used to our behaviors being pathologized, our oddities being treated as if they’re odder than everyone else’s, our mistakes somehow being bigger and more damaging to other people than the ones made by allistics, that it becomes so difficult not to blame our autism—and think there’s something wrong with us—when these things happen. 

But it’s not true. People treat us that way out of prejudice, intolerance, hatred and ignorance. They are the ones who’re wrong.  You’re not worth less than other people because you made the same kind of mistake anyone else could. You’re not a burden because sometimes you’re clumsy or mess up. It might sound a bit typical, but it really is true that no one is perfect; everyone has weaknesses, has things they’re not good at. Do we go around talking about how people need to be cured because they can’t play basketball or do long division or sing well or jump rope or any of a number of other things? Nope. We don’t. 

So why should you need to be cured? You don’t. Society has just trained you to doubt yourself because it views you as different. Because it has a set of “norms” that you don’t meet, a set that is completely arbitrary and narrow-minded, and society is an inflexible bastard that would rather bully you into changing yourself than work to adapt to your needs. Well, society can go fuck itself. You have every right to be you, just like anyone else does, and who you are is not lesser. 

These feelings aren’t truth. They’re not coming from you, they’re not some form of acceptance of what’s “right.” They’ve been forced on you by judgmental asshats, and yeah, there will probably always be days when they’re hard to fight. There will always be moments of doubt. But that’s what we’re here for, me and other people like me. To remind you that the problem isn’t you, and to help you up when you’re down. 

Because the problem really. Isn’t. You.

This is completely outside my sphere of experience, hedgehogs not being known for their musical acumen and all. I will try, but I really don’t know the first thing about music, except I like it fast, with lots of drums.

For a lot of it, it may be that practicing will get you somewhere. Working harder at making up for the areas where you’re weakest. Everyone has weaknesses, after all, things they need to focus more attention on than other aspects of what they’re doing. If you know anyone who might be willing to help you get more comfortable working in groups, see if they’ll spend a little time working with you outside of classes. That way you’ll also get a chance to spend some time on it without feeling pressured.

As to stimming while you perform…a lot of performers move around a lot. What kind of stims do you do when you perform? Do you think there might be a way you can adjust these a little so they appear to be just part of your performance? Stims can and do change; tweaking them a little should be within the realm of possibility.

And there’s that age old advice: Fake it til you make it. It might be cliche, but it can work. Especially if this is something you really want. 

Yes, actually.

First of all, communicate. Always, always, always communicate. Be literal and straightforward about what you want and feel. 

Be honest, even in cases where it might sting a little. We can be blunt and not always realize what we say may be hurtful, but don’t hold it in. We need to know there are problems if we’re going to fix them.

Don’t assume an autistic person behaves a certain way for the same reasons you might. A lot of times we don’t. I’ll often try to stop arguments with my husband and back away, and he tends to make the assumption that I’m using some kind of strategy to get the last word in, when in fact I’m just overwhelmed and my brain is shutting down and I can’t cope with it anymore. 

Sometimes we’re not very good at holding a facial expression, especially when we’re not doing much, or in a situation that lulls us into relaxation. This has led to many an occasion, for me, where I’ve had to reassure someone a thousand times that I’m perfectly fine. Take what we say at face value unless you have very good reason to think otherwise. It’s false to say we can’t/don’t lie, but even so, a lot of us don’t bother; we don’t see the point and thus can’t be arsed.

Finally, try not to take autistic behaviors personally. Sure, we come in all types, including assholes, but for most of us we just are that way. Sometimes we don’t return hugs or want hugs; that’s nothing against you. We may not like public affection, being in pictures, we may go through periods where we don’t want to kissed or touched, we may have meltdowns or freak out over changes or surprises, but don’t jump to the conclusion that it’s personal. Ask if you’re uncertain, but most of the time it’s just us being us.

(Caveat: Not really sure that I, of all people, should be giving anyone dating advice, considering my abysmal record. Just something to be aware of.)

A really good significant other can be better than dozens of friends. Especially one who already accepts that your social signals can be a little mixed up sometimes. 

Sadly, society encourages “high-functioning” autistics to hate or at least be ignorant about “low-functioning” autistics. Anyone perceived as high-functioning will be praised for their passing ability (“I hope my child is just like you someday”) and told they’re not like “low-functioning” autistics. If they don’t know anyone considered low-functioning, it’s hard to know what the differences are and are not. Like many things, it’s a problem on a deep, societal level.

I still haven’t quite figured out how to deal with people who believe Asperger’s Syndrome isn’t autism. It was never presented to me as anything but autism by the people who diagnosed and treated me, and I can’t understand how the idea got out there in the first place (but would not be the least surprised if Autism Speaks is somehow partially responsible).  

My best guess on the matter is this: Rather than being emotionless, autistic people have a tendency to feel emotions very deeply and strongly, and we can’t always hide that. Sometimes the reason we can’t hide it is because we don’t even realize that our feelings are showing in the first place. (There’s nothing wrong with this, even if society likes to act like there is. Don’t let other people squash your emotions.)

So what happens is, when we’re around someone we like—not necessarily, and in fact often not at all, in a romantic way—we’re happy and comfortable. We relax. Our happiness and comfort comes out, and for many of us it’s just easier to act like ourselves, and we’re often fun and funny people. Society has some pretty messed up ideas about socialization and the meaning of social cues (aspects of rape culture reflect this pretty well) and thus it gets read as flirting when it’s merely happiness and comfort expressing itself unrestrained.

Conversely, this would also explain why a lot of us have trouble flirting on purpose. If we’re romantically or sexually interested, we’re invested in a different way, one that makes it damn near impossible to be completely at ease. Instant recipe for awkwardness. 

A caveat: Those are simply my thoughts on the matter, and are based on observation, of myself and of other autistics. I can’t really back it up with science. 

Oh man, that blows. :(

This is what I mean when I say that autism doesn’t cause that kind of behavior. Allistics behave that way too, so it’s clearly due to other issues. Refusing to respect people’s boundaries is never okay. 

If you don’t like it I suggest telling him whether directly or indirectly, but get the message across that he’s going OTT. Sometimes just a simple ‘dude, quit messaging me all the time’ is enough. Sometimes you just have to ignore it until he gets bored. It sounds bad but if it really gets to the point where he will not stop then go to the head of your college or the counselor there and ask them to help. They might be able to knock some sense into them.

Unfortunately, there may not really be a good way to deal with these individuals. Whatever the reasons they got into that mindset, they need a certain level of insight and introspection to get out of it, and you can’t necessarily give that to a person.

The best you can do is try to explain why these ideas are problematic. Functioning labels have extremely limited meanings. They’re used by allistic people in an attempt to describe and sort us, and thus lack nuance and connection to our reality. As well, “functioning” is defined by what allistic people think is right, so if someone can communicate just fine, but cannot do so by actually speaking aloud, they’re automatically dubbed “low-functioning”. This is regardless of how they feel in their day to day life and how they actually function in society.

As well, there are huge assumptions about what “low-functioning” individuals can and cannot feel, based solely on the fact that the don’t meet an arbitrary definition of “normal” in how they express themselves. Society (and groups like Autism Speaks) works overtime to reaffirm these ideas, to brand them on the minds even of autistic people. Thus comes the assumption that “low-functioning” individuals wouldn’t be able to decide for themselves if they wanted a cure anyway, and that’s unfair. No matter how “high-functioning” anyone might be, they wouldn’t want anyone making those kinds of assumptions about them, and they have no right to do it to others.

Moreover, what would a “cure” even entail? Autism is pretty firmly entangled with our brainmeats. I doubt it would be possible to cure someone who is already autistic, which means things like in-utero detection and extensive gene therapy. Since it would be impossible to determine “functioning” level ahead of time (especially considering the meaninglessness of functioning levels in general) the only possible end result would be that autistic people wouldn’t be allowed to be born. Not even the so-called high-functioning ones. When “high-functioning” autistics support a cure, they think they’re safe because they’re agreeing with allistics, but in the end it’s allistics who have the real power right now. When we agree with them that a cure is necessary for “low-functioning” individuals, all we really do is let them take more power from us. 

The idea of autistic anti-vaxxers is a bit mind-blowing. But in the end, for the most part, there’s no reasoning with anti-vaxxers. They’re anti-science, counter-factual conspiracy theorists. No matter how many times you put the facts right under their nose, they won’t believe them, because those facts don’t support their bias. The Panic Virus by Seth Mnookin is actually pretty useful for understanding how their attitudes have come about (but a warning, Mnookin has his own misconceptions about autism and some of the language he uses is upsetting).

So far, I haven’t gotten any response, and searching online hasn’t returned anything helpful. I’ve sent an email directly to ASAN.org in the hopes that someone there might know something, but so far I haven’t heard back. If they know anything, I’ll post it immediately.

In the meantime, if anyone out there knows of anything that might be helpful, please, please let me know. 

around school, even when I’m on the phone talking to someone else, or tell him I can’t speak, that I’m studying. I’ve tried to be friends, and told him that he needs to lay off a bit and he has. But the other day a girl came up to me and told me I need to “stay the fuck away” because he begins to turn almost stalker-ish. At first I thought she was overreacting, but then I realized he’s even told me he’s had multiple girls tell him they have this same issue with him. By now shouldn’t he know better than to impose on other people’s space so much? Everyone thinks he wants a girlfriend, which is what I think, because he continuously flirts after I’ve said I have a boyfriend, and no thank you. I ignored it all until someone said they were going to report him. Now I’m worried that he’s going to be unfairly reported, but the other girls think he’s using his autism to his advantage. Thoughts? He’s been talked to several times, but he continues with all the invasive behavior…

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Oh gosh, I hate these questions. Please don’t take that the wrong way, Anon, it’s nothing against you, it’s just that these are always so hard to answer, because I have the experience of being autistic and struggling to socialize. 

Some of it could be innocuous. A lot of us have the problem that we flirt without realizing it or intending to. (Like with everything, I have a hypothesis about why this happens.) And the constantly texting thing could be an extension of a problem many of us have: Because we always struggle so much with communication, when we don’t get responses, we sometimes freak out, worry if we did something wrong, perhaps worry if something bad has happened to the person we’re trying to contact, or any number of things. And it may seem like something we ought to know by that age, but I still had that problem up to college age myself. It can be very difficult to understand that there’s two very different brain processes going on in a situation like this, for an autistic person and an allistic person. 

I’m glad you don’t want him to be unfairly reported. The question is whether it would be unfair, and since I’m not there, it’s hard for me to judge (that’s another part of why I find these questions tough to answer; I can’t possibly know the full story). So then what is this stalker-ish behavior? If he’s going beyond not getting social signals, if he’s doing things like following people home or to other places, taking pictures without permission, violating people’s privacy in other ways, that is a huge problem. That’s not autism, that’s a sign of potentially dangerous behavior, and it does need to be reported. Like any other people, autistic people come in all types, including horrible jerkfaces and dangerous assholes.

If it seems like his behavior isn’t dangerous—and is just being treated that way because of misconceptions about autism—then it’s a bit trickier. What would be most useful would be having someone who knew him well, and knew how to explain things to him, since it seems like he’s getting his wires crossed. Barring that, when you try to explain to him, always say exactly what you mean. Be literal, never make promises you don’t intend to/don’t know if you can keep, and never do or say something because you feel bad that he has autism. 

Whatever you decide, keep in mind that autism is not an excuse. It might be an explanation for some things, but it doesn’t give a person the right to violate others’ privacy and comfort zones. It’s not carte blanche to be an asshole or a stalker, and if he’s honestly trying to act like it is—if he’s trying to use it to get away with doing things like following people to their homes, taking pictures without permission, etc.—that’s not cool. It’s unfair to you and other girls and it’s unfair to autistic people as a group. He might just be a misunderstood autistic or he may be a privileged jerk; I can’t quite help you figure out which one, though. 

Yes, but that’s because y’all are so awesome. :)

This is part of why I allow anon asks and will put up any submissions as anonymous as well, if people request it of me. Because there are assholes here on Tumblr who will go after a user’s followers and spew hate at them, too. I’ll be damned if I’m going to expose people to that if I don’t have to. 

Thank you. :)

But you are ignorant. Far be it from me to avoid calling a spade a spade. You’re ignorant, and many people like you are ignorant.

I do NOT have to take the high road. If people are such ignorant, self-absorbed douchecanoes that they can’t handle being called out for their ignorance, intolerance and hatred, that is not MY fault. Why don’t THEY take the high road instead? Why don’t THEY stop the name-calling, the misinformation, the lies? Why don’t THEY stop calling for our elimination? It’s my responsibility to wag my tail like a puppy and barf rainbows for the people who oppress me? NO.

You tell ME to stop making fun of people? Hello, have you paid attention to a damn word that’s been said? No, of course you haven’t, you’re convinced you’re right and you think you have some sort of right to go around telling people how to feel and act when people oppress them. YOU DON’T. Am I making myself clear?

This is not about people not sharing my views. This is about people whose views are WRONG. And anyone who invalidates my opinion because I was “mean” (waaaaaaah, cry harder, losers) is a worthless sack of shit anyway.

P.S. Get the fuck out of my inbox, you’re not welcome here.

I’ve been a bit surprised by how much people loved that response, but I’m glad it means something to people. Here I was just letting off some steam after a morning putting together queries. XD

Done. :)

We spew hate? We spew hate? I don’t think you know what hate is. 

Hate is being burned to death on your 18th birthday because you’re autistic. 

Hate is being drowned at the age of four because you’re autistic.

Hate is a long list of people like you who were killed for that same thing that makes them like you.

Hate is the way we’re taught that everything about us is wrong, abnormal, broken, dangerous. 

Hate is the way therapies like ABA are used on us, forcing us to do things we don’t want to do, things that are painful and even traumatizing, so we can behave in a way deemed “acceptable.”

Hate is parents who hold us down or hit us when we have meltdowns, who punish us and allow us to be punished for behavior that is perfectly normal to us. 

Hate is people who spread lies about what causes autism, hate is anti-vaccers who would rather see children dead than autistic. 

Hate is people who want to “fix” us, to “cure” us, to wipe us off the face of the planet without ever asking us how we feel about it first. Hate is dismissing us, silencing us when we say “No, we’re not ashamed of who we are.”

Hate is whining incessantly about your autistic brother/sister/cousin/whatever without ever trying to understand them. Hate is ignoring people who are actually autistic and who know what they’re talking about, because somehow being the sibling of an autistic child makes you a bigger expert on the subject. 

Hate is using autism as a slur, calling people who like My Little Pony or Pokemon or any number of things autistic as an insult. 

Hate is you having the fucking gall to come here and try to tell me how to act, think, and feel about the way people treat me every day of my life.

I’ll tell you what hate isn’t, though. Hate isn’t oppressed people being unwilling to coddle your poor widdle feelings. Hate isn’t oppressed people refusing to let you stomp all over them and silence them. Hate isn’t oppressed people refusing to let you stigmatize them, stereotype them, or support the idea of wiping them off the face of the earth.

No, that’s just you getting what was coming to you for your intolerance. For your hate. Piss off. 

This is something of a complex topic, I think, and not necessarily something I have enough information on to really give much advice. At this point, the best I can say is: You have to do what feels right for you. If this is actually causing you real distress, then you’re not going to be more unhappy with a few less friends. And I know from experience that that can be hard to absorb and it can take time to accept, but it really is true.