Autistic Hedgehog

around school, even when I’m on the phone talking to someone else, or tell him I can’t speak, that I’m studying. I’ve tried to be friends, and told him that he needs to lay off a bit and he has. But the other day a girl came up to me and told me I need to “stay the fuck away” because he begins to turn almost stalker-ish. At first I thought she was overreacting, but then I realized he’s even told me he’s had multiple girls tell him they have this same issue with him. By now shouldn’t he know better than to impose on other people’s space so much? Everyone thinks he wants a girlfriend, which is what I think, because he continuously flirts after I’ve said I have a boyfriend, and no thank you. I ignored it all until someone said they were going to report him. Now I’m worried that he’s going to be unfairly reported, but the other girls think he’s using his autism to his advantage. Thoughts? He’s been talked to several times, but he continues with all the invasive behavior…

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Oh gosh, I hate these questions. Please don’t take that the wrong way, Anon, it’s nothing against you, it’s just that these are always so hard to answer, because I have the experience of being autistic and struggling to socialize. 

Some of it could be innocuous. A lot of us have the problem that we flirt without realizing it or intending to. (Like with everything, I have a hypothesis about why this happens.) And the constantly texting thing could be an extension of a problem many of us have: Because we always struggle so much with communication, when we don’t get responses, we sometimes freak out, worry if we did something wrong, perhaps worry if something bad has happened to the person we’re trying to contact, or any number of things. And it may seem like something we ought to know by that age, but I still had that problem up to college age myself. It can be very difficult to understand that there’s two very different brain processes going on in a situation like this, for an autistic person and an allistic person. 

I’m glad you don’t want him to be unfairly reported. The question is whether it would be unfair, and since I’m not there, it’s hard for me to judge (that’s another part of why I find these questions tough to answer; I can’t possibly know the full story). So then what is this stalker-ish behavior? If he’s going beyond not getting social signals, if he’s doing things like following people home or to other places, taking pictures without permission, violating people’s privacy in other ways, that is a huge problem. That’s not autism, that’s a sign of potentially dangerous behavior, and it does need to be reported. Like any other people, autistic people come in all types, including horrible jerkfaces and dangerous assholes.

If it seems like his behavior isn’t dangerous—and is just being treated that way because of misconceptions about autism—then it’s a bit trickier. What would be most useful would be having someone who knew him well, and knew how to explain things to him, since it seems like he’s getting his wires crossed. Barring that, when you try to explain to him, always say exactly what you mean. Be literal, never make promises you don’t intend to/don’t know if you can keep, and never do or say something because you feel bad that he has autism. 

Whatever you decide, keep in mind that autism is not an excuse. It might be an explanation for some things, but it doesn’t give a person the right to violate others’ privacy and comfort zones. It’s not carte blanche to be an asshole or a stalker, and if he’s honestly trying to act like it is—if he’s trying to use it to get away with doing things like following people to their homes, taking pictures without permission, etc.—that’s not cool. It’s unfair to you and other girls and it’s unfair to autistic people as a group. He might just be a misunderstood autistic or he may be a privileged jerk; I can’t quite help you figure out which one, though.