Autistic Hedgehog

it kept telling me my ask didn’t work…

hi, i really like your blog! i tried to do this in an ask but it kept telling me i had links in it… but it didn’t. i kind of need help and i know that’s not exactly your blog’s point but i thought i should try. 

i am 20 years old. my parents and 3 mental health professionalfolk think i might be on the autism spectrum. the three people i love most and who know me best think it’s a possibility. one person i know on the spectrum does not think i am and this is what makes me particularly unsure. i am confused. there’s so much i identify with, so much so much, on the spectrum not-otherwise-specified slightly aspergersy. but as with all mental-psychology stuff, that could have a different explanation. especially since nobody said anything during my childhood, and whatever symptoms i have aren’t ‘extreme.’ no one has given me a solid answer.

i want so badly to have a real diagnosis. i want so badly to have a name for what’s in my head. i want so badly to find help and to find people who understand. but i would feel guilty identifying as being on the spectrum because i might not be there and i don’t want to offend or trouble people who are.

do you have any advice they can possibly offer on figuring these things out?

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Hopefully this goes through correctly. Tumblr can be a bit wonky at me when I edit submissions. >.<

Sorry it’s taken so long for me to answer, things have been a bit…rough for me lately. As to your question:

It sounds like you and quite a few other people you know feel you may be on the spectrum. Just because one person who’s on the spectrum doesn’t think so doesn’t mean very much. The thing is, we’re all different. It’s a spectrum because there’s a lot of variation, and it can express very, very differently. A good example: Autistic headcanons differ a lot. There’s a number of characters other autistics view as autistic that I don’t, and vice versa. No one character will read autistic to all of us, because our experiences of the world are all different, so if someone on the spectrum doesn’t think you are, that’s only one opinion.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a diagnosis, and you shouldn’t feel ashamed by any of this. Even if you end up diagnosed with something else (ASD symptoms can overlap with other things), no one has a right to tell you that you should be ashamed.

And honestly, even if your diagnosis does turn out to be a different one? I for one would not be offended that you thought you might be autistic, and I don’t have much patience for anyone who would be. Because so many of us have been there, wanting to understand these differences in ourselves, needing to put a name to it. You’re not some dudebro looking at a list of Asperger’s Syndrome symptoms on the internet and using them as an excuse to be a jerk. You’re one of us, someone who wants to understand why their world seems different from everyone else’s, and your feelings are valid. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. 

I was diagnosed with delayed developmental disorder as a kid

the doctor then explained that it was “under the umbrella of Aspbergers.” My mother decided that no, I wasn’t and that was the last I ever heard of it. I did some research when I was younger, but I was in some pretty heavy denial. My lack of social skills were always swept under the rug by my parents and passed off as a product of too much internet and they suspected I was on drugs years before I even started doing them.

Now I’m 20 and only starting to take this seriously. I have legitimate problems socializing and connection with people, to the point where it becomes difficult to go to school or find a job.

I desperately want to be outgoing and social and the kind of person who’s friends with everybody (or has the ability to be, because when it comes down to it, I don’t like most people.) but when it comes to actually interacting with people, I get overwhelmed, depressed, and withdraw.

So uh…I’m an aunt

And apparently have been for 7 months.

Before anyone congratulates me, I’d like to explain that this isn’t really happy news for me. It could have been, but instead it left me devastated. Allow me to explain.

I haven’t spoken with most of my family for years. My mom is abusive and neglectful, and most of my family members treat me like I’m a soulless freak. My sister was the last family member I was still talking to, but a couple years ago that ended too. Something happened, and when I was honest about my feelings about it, my sister twisted everything I said and made it all about her. As usual, the way my emotions are is not acceptable to my family. And the fact that I believe forgiveness takes work and won’t simply continue sweeping the way they treated me under the carpet makes them believe I’m a heartless, unforgiving monster. 

So I walked away. For the sake of my health, so I could stop hating and doubting myself, I walked away and hoped that one day my family would understand my point of view.

Clearly, they don’t.

Last night, out of the blue, I received an incredibly passive aggressive email from my sister, stating that I’d been an aunt for seven fucking months and she

was going to write sooner but wasn’t sure if I could handle the response or probably the lack there of.

Because obviously I am an evil heartless monster who wouldn’t be happy for her. 

I wasn’t even given a chance. Just like always, my family makes huge assumptions about my emotions, about whether I even have them. After all this time, they still believe they’ve done nothing wrong and I’m just cold and heartless. They think I have no heart to break, no soul to bruise, and that’s not true. I took me a long time to stop crying; my eyes still feel swollen and cruddy. I’m trying my best to cope with this, on top of everything else in my life, on top of the fibromyalgia and the depression, but I’m just so tired.

And the worst part was discovering how easy it is for all my hard work to be torn down. I thought I would go the rest of my life without wishing that I wasn’t autistic, that I was just like everyone else. I thought I had finally accepted that the problem isn’t me, it's them. Last night I discovered how fragile those things are. Those feelings don’t just stop, simply because we’ve removed ourselves from what causes them. Now I know they might always be there, waiting for me. 

I hurt so much. I’m angry and frustrated and in a complete lose/lose situation. Unless I want to give in and ask for forgiveness when I’m not the one who’s in the wrong, nothing I do here will make a difference. I’m not like the rest of my family and so I will always be the cold, heartless one to them.

I guess the reason I’m mentioning this is because it might be a little quiet here at AH for a while. I’m still struggling to cope with all the other things; this has knocked me on my ass. It will take a little time to put the pieces back together, and I don’t actually know how much I’ll get done during that time. I figured an explanation was in order.