Autistic Hedgehog

I actually had a very similar experience with my psychologist a year or so ago. He liked to talk about how I was “hardly autistic at all anymore” and, when I talked about things like being overstimulated by a crowd, he would insist that all people experience such things.

It frustrated me so much. I know he thought he was saying something positive, but for me, he was dismissing the realities of my life. He was dismissing all the hard work I’d done and the bullying and ableism I’d suffered to seem “hardly autistic at all anymore” when they’re so relevant to who I am. He was dismissing the pain—real physical pain—I feel from the presence and noise of large crowds of people and the panic I feel when I have to get on a crowded bus. He was dismissing the sense of hyperawareness I developed from those years of bullying and ableism, that makes me freak out when I trip in public, that makes me assume a crowd of people laughing nearby is laughing at me, that terrifies me when I get something on my shirt because I’m positive that people will notice and think I’m a slob.

It sounds like this neurologist evoked similar feelings in you, and you do have a reason to be upset. No matter how “high-functioning” you might appear, that will never erase the problems you had and do have.

But when she talked to you like that, I’m guessing it made you feel like she was erasing and dismissing those things. To people like neurologists and psychologists it might seem like being called “normal” is a reassuring thing, but it’s very easy to hear as “There’s nothing wrong with you, so what are you even complaining about?” It’s easy to feel like someone is telling you that you should be fine and perfect and any troubles you have are overreactions. That would make anyone feel uneasy and insulted. 

There’s no such thing as pointless whining over ableism, and in the end, that’s what it was, regardless of her intentions. 

I don’t see why not. Like you said, it’s a repetitive hand motion that relaxes you and keeps your mind off the stimuli around you. Okay, unlike many stims you could potentially make some profit off it on Etsy, but I don’t think that really disqualifies it. If it works for you, it works. 

Not really. Because you’re autistic, it’s pathologized and a lot of people will think it’s weird. But they’re hypocrites, because they wouldn’t bat an eyelash if an allistic person, say, confessed that they didn’t leave their room or shower for days while they were working on their thesis. It’s one of those things that potentially anyone could do, but it’s only seen as a sign of something wrong in people like autistics.

Do try to remember to eat and get some sleep, though. I know it’s not always easy when one’s distracted by something they enjoy, but I’d hate to see anyone wind up sick.

(Please don’t ask me how someone who has as little maternal instinct as I do ended up such a freakin’ motherhen, because I really don’t know.) 

That last one sounds about right.

“Mild” autism, like “high-functioning” autism is an expression of ignorance and at times straight up hatred. It’s an allistic classification of us based on what they assume we’re capable of, and has nothing to do with the realities we face in our day-to-day lives. And sadly, it’s used against us by many of our so-called “allies,” by people like Autism Moms (*gag*) and just assholes who want to dismiss us. 

Some people may come across more high-functioning in your average social situation, but have other struggles. Some may function fairly highly across the board. Some may be able to make their own phone calls but be pretty much unable to speak to someone face-to-face. We’re all different, and we all have our areas where we’re strong, areas where we’re weak, and areas where we succeed sometimes but not all times. “Mild autism” is a completely meaningless term.

It may be that some of these people are trying to compliment you (I don’t know the exact circumstances you’re hearing this in). But even so, that’s patronizing, ignorant and offensive. And worse, these distinctions have been divisive for autistics in general. It pits us against each other, both by encouraging some of us to believe that we’re better than others, and by telling us we should shut up because we don’t have it as bad as others. No matter someone’s intentions, using the term “mild autism” is just wrong.

tl;dr version: If someone uses the term “mild autism,” this can be translated as “I don’t actually know the first thing about how autism really works.” 

myself formally tested to get a diagnosis. I can cope with things and the things I can’t cope with, I don’t see how it would make any difference to my life to be diagnosed even though I’m pretty sure I am autistic. So, would it be wrong to consider myself autistic without a diagnosis and without any desire to be diagnosed? Sorry for the length of this.

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You’d hardly be the first person to suspect they’re autistic but not want a diagnosis. For some it’s not a very helpful thing to have, and can even be detrimental. If you don’t see a situation in which you’d need it, that’s fine. 

The only really important part is making sure you’ve done good research first. It’s good to know as much as you can—some disorders will have overlapping symptoms, and you may find something else you relate to more, possibly even something you would like to have diagnosed. But there’s nothing wrong with considering yourself autistic without an official diagnosis. 

We all have those days. Every last one of us, even those of us who are otherwise secure and comfortable with who we are.

It’s hard not to, when society constantly tells us that everything about us is wrong. Consider: Anyone could have broken that bin. Absolutely anyone. It’s the sort of thing that could happen to any person, on any day of the week, anywhere else on the planet. But being autistic, a lot of time people blow our mistakes way out of proportion—and that includes ourselves. We’re so used to our behaviors being pathologized, our oddities being treated as if they’re odder than everyone else’s, our mistakes somehow being bigger and more damaging to other people than the ones made by allistics, that it becomes so difficult not to blame our autism—and think there’s something wrong with us—when these things happen. 

But it’s not true. People treat us that way out of prejudice, intolerance, hatred and ignorance. They are the ones who’re wrong.  You’re not worth less than other people because you made the same kind of mistake anyone else could. You’re not a burden because sometimes you’re clumsy or mess up. It might sound a bit typical, but it really is true that no one is perfect; everyone has weaknesses, has things they’re not good at. Do we go around talking about how people need to be cured because they can’t play basketball or do long division or sing well or jump rope or any of a number of other things? Nope. We don’t. 

So why should you need to be cured? You don’t. Society has just trained you to doubt yourself because it views you as different. Because it has a set of “norms” that you don’t meet, a set that is completely arbitrary and narrow-minded, and society is an inflexible bastard that would rather bully you into changing yourself than work to adapt to your needs. Well, society can go fuck itself. You have every right to be you, just like anyone else does, and who you are is not lesser. 

These feelings aren’t truth. They’re not coming from you, they’re not some form of acceptance of what’s “right.” They’ve been forced on you by judgmental asshats, and yeah, there will probably always be days when they’re hard to fight. There will always be moments of doubt. But that’s what we’re here for, me and other people like me. To remind you that the problem isn’t you, and to help you up when you’re down. 

Because the problem really. Isn’t. You.

This is completely outside my sphere of experience, hedgehogs not being known for their musical acumen and all. I will try, but I really don’t know the first thing about music, except I like it fast, with lots of drums.

For a lot of it, it may be that practicing will get you somewhere. Working harder at making up for the areas where you’re weakest. Everyone has weaknesses, after all, things they need to focus more attention on than other aspects of what they’re doing. If you know anyone who might be willing to help you get more comfortable working in groups, see if they’ll spend a little time working with you outside of classes. That way you’ll also get a chance to spend some time on it without feeling pressured.

As to stimming while you perform…a lot of performers move around a lot. What kind of stims do you do when you perform? Do you think there might be a way you can adjust these a little so they appear to be just part of your performance? Stims can and do change; tweaking them a little should be within the realm of possibility.

And there’s that age old advice: Fake it til you make it. It might be cliche, but it can work. Especially if this is something you really want.