Autistic Hedgehog

[Trained by society to be terrified of being seen as rude

Too polite to slam door in Bible thumpers’ faces]

Yes, this really happened to me a few days ago. I may never open the front door again.

Our outer doorbell rang, and as usual when I’m not expecting it, I froze up. It didn’t ring a second time, and I wrote it off as mail (we are waiting on Christmas packages after all) and that there’d be a slip for it before long. 

Then a few minutes later some mail did indeed come through the slot, so I went to retrieve it. As I turned to head back to my computer and work, the inner doorbell rang. Thinking it must be a package, I went to open the door without looking out first. It turned out to be a pair of Russian women on a mission (pun kinda intended). They’d mistaken my husband’s middle name, Kruchov, for Russian (it’s Polish. Ouch.) and decided to assail me with their tidings of a free Bible study club. Multilingual and everything.

I mean, as door-to-door Bible thumpers go, they were nice. When I explained I was agnostic (and subsequently explained what that even meant) they didn’t tell me I’d go to hell or anything if I didn’t change my ways. But they did ask some questions and I found myself at a loss for what to do. It’s really awkward when you have to bite your tongue on what you’d actually respond. “Do you think you don’t need God in your life?” (Um, pretty sure that if God does exists, whether or not I need Him is kinda moot.) “Haven’t you ever wondered where we go after death? The Bible tells us.” (Yeah, not an expert or anything, but far as I know, the Bible doesn’t go into specifics.)

I don’t think I could have looked more uncomfortable if I tried. And since I was trying to be polite and make eye contact, but was wildly uncomfortable at the same time, I’m pretty sure I looked like one of those cat wall clocks with the eyes that tick back and forth. Yet despite the fact that they were imposing on me, I couldn’t even get myself to say “I’m sorry, but I really need to get back to work.”

Over-politeness training is a problem in certain areas of our culture, and autistics seems to get it worse than almost anyone else. Most people would at least be able to excuse themselves. Goodness knows my husband, who’s an atheist, would have merrily shut the door in their faces. But even afterwards, I kept making excuses for them, despite the fact that they came unprovoked to my door simply because they saw what looked like a Russian name in the middle of a very clearly not Russian name. 

This fear of being seen as rude that gets trained into us really blows. We have just as much right to stand up for ourselves as anyone else. But despite the fact that I’m turning 28 in January, I’m still unable to bring myself to utter a politely worded request to go away out of sheer terror. How is that fair?

[Put your hands on me again

And I’ll tear them off]

Okay, so that might be a bit violent, but in my defense, it’s been building up for a while. It came to a head this afternoon, on my way home from PT. I was waiting for the bus when some woman decided she had a right to push me out of her way.

And I don’t mean she pushed past me. I mean she put her fucking hands on me and shoved. This isn’t the first time that’s happened, and it likely won’t be the last, either, but it pisses me off. 

Anyone who thinks they have a right to just put their hands on someone needs to go step on a Lego. STAT. 

[“Until all the pieces fit.”

Hey look, I’m working on it, but you allistics are hella difficult to figure out.]

Sorry, guys, I know it took me a pretty big chunk of my 20+ years to get it down, but you’re tough. You do all these weird things, like beat around the bush instead of saying what you mean, and bumping into people in crowds as if you somehow can’t tell they’re there. You have to understand that even after years of intensive study, we can’t be expected to fully understand you; sorry, allistics, but you’re just too bizarre. 

Don’t worry though. We will keep trying until the puzzle is complete. No, no, there’s no need to say a word. You can’t possibly understand you as well as we can. Trust us; we know what’s best for you. 

(It’s really not comfortable being on the receiving end of that, is it?)

[“Making friends will get easier with practice!”

No.]

[I understand the theory of social interaction just fine

It’s the practical application that escapes me]

Just me?

[“But you seem so normal!”

Give it time.]

I’m not denying that this is a really insulting, ableist thing to say, because it is. But it’s also almost always said to me by people who’ve spent hours, or even only minutes, around me.

Like, you haven’t seen me curled up on in a sobbing puddle because public transportation. You haven’t seen me home alone with only my iPod and my horrible white girl dance moves to keep me company. You haven’t seen me that time I was ranting to my husband and kept stopping mid-sentence to gleefully squish my Hello Kitty squishy things. You haven’t seen me running the satin ribbon on the edge of my blanket through my hands over and over again. You haven’t heard even a tiny fraction of the sorts of things that come out of my mouth. And most importantly, you sure as hell didn’t see my fucked up childhood and everything I went through, being an autistic girl in a public school during a time when people were only just beginning to even acknowledge that girls could be autistic. 

So to the people who tell me I seem so normal, I say to you: Sadly, so do you. 

[“There have been no studies proving that vaccines don’t cause autism!”

I’m not math expert, but I’m pretty sure “zero” and “thirty” aren’t the same number.]

I am legit not even exaggerating here, guys.