Autistic Hedgehog

Testing doesn’t always come out with the right answer, so if you really feel you need it, by all means, try again. It may be that you just ended up in the hands of people who weren’t very good at their job, and if you’re really having problems, you shouldn’t ignore them. Mistakes get made and, unfortunately, when it comes to autism, even the so-called experts can be really ignorant. 

But sometimes I think that I just have social anxiety, but I’m still neurotypical. And then I think the opposite. I’m so full of self doubt and I don’t want to offend anyone, but this blog just seems to click with me.

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I don’t really see why the answer should be any different in your case than it is in anyone else’s. It sounds like you have a legitimate reason to not want an official diagnosis, and that’s fine. There are all sorts of reasons to be wary of being officially diagnosed. Just, as I always say, do your research. There’s various reasons for this, and perhaps one of the most important is ensuring that you’re identifying in a way that you feel comfortable and confident in. 

Though to be completely frank, you don’t have to be autistic, officially diagnosed or not, to relate to this blog. If it resonates with you, that’s all that matters. Even if “all” you have is social anxiety, that can be very difficult to deal with, and it’s no small wonder you relate to things on this blog. Even if, in the end, you decide that social anxiety is a better fit for you than autism, you’re always welcome here. 

myself formally tested to get a diagnosis. I can cope with things and the things I can’t cope with, I don’t see how it would make any difference to my life to be diagnosed even though I’m pretty sure I am autistic. So, would it be wrong to consider myself autistic without a diagnosis and without any desire to be diagnosed? Sorry for the length of this.

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You’d hardly be the first person to suspect they’re autistic but not want a diagnosis. For some it’s not a very helpful thing to have, and can even be detrimental. If you don’t see a situation in which you’d need it, that’s fine. 

The only really important part is making sure you’ve done good research first. It’s good to know as much as you can—some disorders will have overlapping symptoms, and you may find something else you relate to more, possibly even something you would like to have diagnosed. But there’s nothing wrong with considering yourself autistic without an official diagnosis. 

Actually, what I meant was that things in general, like diagnostic procedure, have gone to shit since I was diagnosed. My own story seems to be so very different from anything else I’ve heard, and it seems to me like understanding of autism has gone down since then, not up.

For example, I was surprised to learn that people have got it into their heads that Asperger’s Syndrome isn’t autism, because it was never explained to be as anything but. It seems, however, that that hasn’t been the case for a lot of people. I did receive therapy, but I’d never heard the phrase “quiet hands” before coming to Tumblr, and in fact I was in a group therapy that treated us like human beings. I would’ve thought there’d be more of that these days, but there appears to be less.

My hesitations with diagnosis for adult autistics comes from my experience in trying to find a new psychiatrist once I became an adult myself.

I was sent to a woman who had no idea what autism was. I had to explain it to her, and she proceeded to decide that I didn’t have it–she tried to remove my diagnosis without even knowing what the diagnosis meant. Someone who knew what autism is and had an expert understanding of it probably would’ve noticed that I literally could not look at her face by the end of the session. Not even faked eye contact, I could not look at her. That’s part of how my autism expresses itself–the less I like a person, the harder it is for me to look at them.

Admittedly, this woman was particularly bad. She also tried to dismiss my PTSD diagnosis because I’d never been caught in a tornado or seen someone raped and murdered (because, I guess, brutal bullying, parents committing suicide, and being raped oneself do not count as trauma). But she’s why I urge caution and research before seeking diagnosis as an adult. Awareness and knowledge of autism has not improved; it’s still viewed as something only children have and in many places adult psychiatrists have little to no knowledge of what it really entails.

I have very little way of knowing where the people who ask about diagnosis live and what their situation is like. If they’re in a situation where, due to expense or other circumstances, they can’t afford to keep trying if they meet an asshat like that woman, trying to get a diagnosis could just be stressful, expensive and useless. Thus, I say consider it carefully and do as much research as possible to find someone who knows how to diagnose autism in adults if you want a diagnosis. But if you’re not sure you want one or not convinced you need one, you may want to refrain or speak more to other people about it first. 

Autism has a range of symptoms, including the ones you’ve described, and not every autistic person has all of them. But there are also other disorders that can have very similar symptoms. 

While I’m not in any way, shape or form a doctor and maybe not the person to be giving out medical advice, it does sound like your symptoms are extreme and disruptive enough that you should talk to someone about it. Even if it’s not autism, it might be something else that you could get treatment and/or support for. It sounds bad enough that I don’t think you should write it off as social anxiety. 

You may also want to try doing some reading, checking out some blogs of autistic people here on tumblr. 

It’s very easy to not know you’re autistic. If you appear to function well, people won’t see it in you, and if you don’t know a lot about it then of course it’s no surprise that you didn’t guess.

As to getting diagnosed…there was a time when I would have said absolutely, but that was before I discovered that things have been going to hell in a hand basket since I was diagnosed. A lot of people seem to be under the impression that things are much better now, but those people are usually allistic parents.

Now with the changes to the DSM on top of everything else, getting a diagnosis as an adult…it may prove difficult. I already know from experience that psychiatrists for adults often don’t know how to handle the idea of autistic adults. If you can find someone who knows what they’re doing, by all means, get a diagnosis. But don’t be afraid to do some research and talk to some people first.

If at all possible, find other autistic adults in the same region as you who were diagnosed as adults and may be able to point you in the right direction. But that’s really a best case scenario. 

There could be a lot of reasons behind this that you should take into consideration way before misdiagnosis. 

First of all, it could be that you’re prone to shutting down rather than melting down (which might explain the lack of crying). Both tend to occur from overstimulation of some kind. I was very prone to shut downs whenever a family member or friend died (which happened a lot for me). If I cried at all, it was very little, and I’m sure my reactions came off very cold to other people. There was so much grief going on around me that I couldn’t cope with it, so it was a bit like I disconnected a part of myself. Maybe you do that instead.

Maybe it’s as simple as you’ve managed to, one way or another, keep yourself free of situations and spaces that cause you to meltdown. That’s pretty hard to do for anyone, though, as meltdowns can be caused by anything from a place that’s too crowded to a day of snowballing disasters (even if they’re small disasters).

Or maybe you’ve learned how to deal with things enough that you don’t have meltdowns. I don’t have them very often either. There’s complications from autism that I’ve learned to deal with quite well. I used to be the kind of person who couldn’t handle any change in her routine; literally, if I burnt my breakfast, I wouldn’t go to school. I don’t know exactly what happened since then–I think, on some subconscious level, I realized how little I got out of giving in to that–but these days I can roll with most changes, and recover from the ones that do get to me. 

Maybe you’ve learned to process what’s happening to you and avoid meltdowns without even realizing it. It’ll take some self-examination to find your answer, but don’t assume it’s misdiagnosis until you’ve looked at all the other possible answers. We’re all different, we all learn and process differently, we grow to be able to cope more with some things and sometimes less with others.

(Small caveat: I don’t go to school anymore, and I don’t have to work, so not having to deal with those upsetting environments has likely done a lot to help with my lack of meltdowns and the like. If I had to get a day job, I don’t know if I’d be able to function as often and as well as I do. Just the thought makes me sick to my stomach. Just pointing out that learning to cope is great and wonderful and all, but what therapists and the like–who will try to teach you these things–forget is that environment counts too.)