Autistic Hedgehog

But sometimes I think that I just have social anxiety, but I’m still neurotypical. And then I think the opposite. I’m so full of self doubt and I don’t want to offend anyone, but this blog just seems to click with me.

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I don’t really see why the answer should be any different in your case than it is in anyone else’s. It sounds like you have a legitimate reason to not want an official diagnosis, and that’s fine. There are all sorts of reasons to be wary of being officially diagnosed. Just, as I always say, do your research. There’s various reasons for this, and perhaps one of the most important is ensuring that you’re identifying in a way that you feel comfortable and confident in. 

Though to be completely frank, you don’t have to be autistic, officially diagnosed or not, to relate to this blog. If it resonates with you, that’s all that matters. Even if “all” you have is social anxiety, that can be very difficult to deal with, and it’s no small wonder you relate to things on this blog. Even if, in the end, you decide that social anxiety is a better fit for you than autism, you’re always welcome here. 

But where do we put ourselves in discussions of autism? We don’t plan on getting diagnoses. We are greatly helped by our kids’ therapy in dealing with our own sensory issues (now I understand my avoidance of certain lights and noise, needing to rock myself to calm down, etc). Would I offend someone with an actual diagnoses if I was both an Autism Mom and referred to myself as autistic without a diagnosis?

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Well, those who refer to themselves as Autism Moms (with capitals) are a somewhat specific group of people, and they can be a problematic bunch at times. That doesn’t mean you can’t identify as an Autism Mom if you so choose; just be aware that some autistics may have had bad experiences with them.

In fact, one of the big problems with Autism Moms is that they’re usually not autistic themselves, and autistic moms easily get excluded by them. 

Generally, you’re going to find both autistic people who don’t mind self-diagnosis and those who do (you’ll find a fair few of the former here on Tumblr), and it’s in part a matter of finding the group that accepts how you choose to identify. As to where you put yourselves in discussions of autism…some of that is up to you and what you feel comfortable with. You may feel comfortable participating solely as the parents of autistic children, solely as autistic people, or as autistic parents. It might take some time to figure out what suits you.

And what you feel comfortable with might change, as well. As time goes by and you gain more knowledge and experience, you might find yourself feeling more comfortable and confident in other areas of discussion. That’s okay too. 

myself formally tested to get a diagnosis. I can cope with things and the things I can’t cope with, I don’t see how it would make any difference to my life to be diagnosed even though I’m pretty sure I am autistic. So, would it be wrong to consider myself autistic without a diagnosis and without any desire to be diagnosed? Sorry for the length of this.

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You’d hardly be the first person to suspect they’re autistic but not want a diagnosis. For some it’s not a very helpful thing to have, and can even be detrimental. If you don’t see a situation in which you’d need it, that’s fine. 

The only really important part is making sure you’ve done good research first. It’s good to know as much as you can—some disorders will have overlapping symptoms, and you may find something else you relate to more, possibly even something you would like to have diagnosed. But there’s nothing wrong with considering yourself autistic without an official diagnosis. 

Here’s the thing: The problem with that particular allistic person is that all they’ve done is look at a symptom or two (maybe a list of symptoms) and declared themselves autistic. Of course they’re going to pick up certain small habits–like hand flapping–from their sibling, because that’s what humans do. But that’s not all autism is about, and that particular kind of allistic person doesn’t stop to consider that. 

The two key pieces, I think, are knowing what autism is and actually knowing autistic people (and as we all know too well, knowing autistic people does not guarantee knowledge of autism). My husband’s school psychologist once said that my husband had a “lick of Asperger’s” (side-eyeing so hard right now) but my husband, having known me for so many years now, doesn’t feel he’s autistic at all. Certainly he understands better than most allistics, but he’s well-informed enough to know the difference between having autism and having some things that are similar to symptoms of autism. 

It sounds as if you’ve done your research, so that’s not the problem here. No matter what, you’re not the person going “Guys, I looked at a list of autism symptoms because my brother is autistic and I totally think I am too!” Most of us on Tumblr are not going to have a problem with you identifying as autistic.

If you’re still feeling uncertain, though, one thing you could consider doing is sitting down and writing out a list of why you feel you’re autistic. If the list comes out short and/or shallow, maybe you need to reevaluate. But if not, relax a little–you’re definitely not that allistic person, okay?